Despite my desire to convey all of the wonderful things that I learn from Confronting the Myth of Self-esteem:  Twelve Keys to Finding Peace, I am realizing that it isn’t realistic for me to attempt to do so.  I will attempt here to select a few of the book’s powerful concepts, but anyone interested really should get the book and read the whole thing. 

I wrote previously here about “love and long-handled spoons.”  I realize that this story is not unique to this book, but nonetheless it teaches very clearly the synergistic relationship between generously giving of ourselves to others and then joyously receiving others’ love (especially Heavenly Father’s) for us.

Rasband describes two self-defeating pursuits.  The first is what she calls the “shortcut seeker.”  We tend to forget the law of the harvest- that you reap what you sow.  We have the tendency to want and even to expect celestial-level results while making only telestial-level efforts.  Her main point here, I believe, is that we forget that this life is a process of learning and growing and we instead impatiently want the results now.

The second mistake that we sometimes make is what the author calls “the checklister.”  In this scenario, we mistakenly think that we can of ourselves earn peace.  We mentally make note of all the wonderful things that we do, all the while thinking that surely we have done enough.  But instead of finding peace, we find that we are exhausted and frustrated.  The problem is in the measuring of our efforts, because the lasting peace we seek only comes through wholehearted, unmeasured devotion.

Throughout the book, Rasband refers often to scriptural examples that support her insights about losing oneself to find peace.  I have barely scratched the surface of what is covered in this wonderful little book.  I highly recommend it and would gladly loan you my copy if you promise to give it back!

A few years ago I noticed this book on display at our local library.  It was short (130 pages) and seemed interesting, so I checked it out.  It has become one of my favorite books.

The full title of the book is Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem:  Twelve Keys to Finding Peace, and its author is Ester Rasband.  It teaches truths about finding peace through developing humility, patience, love, unity, and gratitude.  As the title suggests, it also exposes myths to which we often succumb as we mistakenly search for self-esteem.

This little book is full of wisdom.  I have already quoted from this book in at least one other post at this blog, but I would like to do a series of shorter posts to share more of the insights offered by Ester Rasband.

In its introduction, Rasband explains that the purpose of the book is to highlight the difference between the world’s concept of self-esteem and God’s concept of confidence.

“It is perfect irony that that which our worldly self would prize most highly- feeling good about ourselves- can only be achieved by facing that which our worldly self would tell us that we must never face:  our nothingness.”

The first chapter teaches of the importance of accepting God’s word.  We have to overcome the tendency of choosing worldly philosophy over scripture.  In referring to the popularity of self-help books, she says, “How quick we are to try to give one another ‘peace made simple’ and ‘peace without pain.’…Oh, how important it is to look beyond the first glance- to look to the scriptures, which are the Lord’s instruction manual, and find not peace made simple, but peace made possible- not peace without pain but peace that overcomes pain.”

More from the book in a future post….

There were so many great talks from conference.  It is hard to pick just a few to highlight.  Here are a few of the main themes that seemed to be repeated by multiple speakers:

• the need to practice the process of receiving revelation
• the importance of living the gospel within our own homes and families
• the significance of love- God’s love for us as well as our love for Him and for others; service
• the gospel’s invitation for us to continually improve and to follow the Savior

I look forward to reading and studying the talks in greater depth.  The real challenge though is not to just hear the words but to live them.  I hope to write down two or three things to focus on during the next few months.

What were your impressions and/or favorite talks from conference?

I love this quote from C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity about the process of becoming true Christians:

“We begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is  some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed.  And the excuse  that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself.  Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular  acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated.  On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats:  it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man:  it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.  The rats are  always there  in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.”

I first heard about chiasmus in the Book of Mormon as a student at BYU.

For those unfamiliar with the term, chiasmus is an ancient literary device that has been found in Greek, Latin, and Hebrew writings. It is basically inverted parallelism where words, phrases, or concepts are introduced in ascending order and then repeated in descending order. You can find a better description of chiasmus here.

If you haven’t done this before, try looking for the chiasmus pattern in Alma 36. Read verse one, then look for a similar idea (or ideas) to be repeated near the end of the chapter. Note that the repetition is not necessarily verse by verse. Continue this process through the whole chapter and see how many ideas or concepts you can find that are repeated in reverse order through the chapter.

The central element of this chiasmus (verses 17-18) highlights to me what Alma most wanted to convey (paraphrasing):
     I remembered the prophecy of Jesus Christ, Son of God, coming to atone for the sins of the world;
     I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me

It is interesting to me that Alma first remembered his father’s prophecy about Jesus Christ, and then “[his] mind caught hold upon this thought….” Jesus Christ became real and personal to him- He was not just an idea but a Savior. I believe this is key for all of us.

You can read more about chiasmus in the Book of Mormon at Jeff Lindsay’s excellent site here. He also diagrams the chiasmus in Alma 36 as well as other chiasms found in the Book of Mormon.

I began reading the Book of Mormon as a child and have read it several times. Although I cannot point to any singular event by which I received a witness that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, very often as I read and ponder I feel the quiet, peaceful confirmation that comes from the Holy Ghost. From these numerous experiences throughout my life, I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God written by His ancient prophets and translated by His modern prophet, Joseph Smith.

Although my testimony of the Book of Mormon is not based on the finding of chiasms, their presence does offer some evidence to me of the writing’s ancient origins.

I still remember when this was sung as the closing hymn of the priesthood session of general conference in April 2007. It gave me chills then and still does every time I listen to it.

The music is by Jean Sibelius. Most will recognize the tune as “Be Still My Soul.”

The words for the hymn are written by John S. Tanner. I have included them below, and you can find more about this hymn from its author here.  The hymn is based on what is often referred to as Nephi’s Psalm (see 2 Nephi 4).

As a sidenote, as I consider the title, I ask myself if I use the word “love” too flippantly. I think it is not uncommon to say “I love you” without really thinking about it. The important thing, I think, is to ask ourselves whether others know that we love them. Hopefully I convey my love for the Lord (and for others) in word and in deed.

Although it received zero comments, my last post (“Finding Beauty Among Thorns”) at least received some exposure from this nice reference at meridianmagazine.com (see the last item mentioned).  So, in that same vein, here are more thoughts about weeds.

Tonight as I mowed our lawn, I came across a very tall weed.  I have seen this weed growing for weeks but never did anything about it.  It seemed pretty harmless.  I pulled it out tonight, and it was literally as tall as me (about 6 feet).  My family is at Disneyland with our camera, so I had to settle with this image found via google:

I began thinking about how weeds just seem to thrive.  You don’t have to water them or fertilize them or worry about them at all like you do with grass and plants that you want to grow.  In fact, it is often difficult to get rid of these pesty plants.  When left unchecked, these noxious weeds can choke out the “good” plants that you want to grow.

Life is similar to this.  Unproductive thoughts and habits easily spring up in our lives.  As time passes, if we aren’t mindful about controlling these mental weeds, they soon become so rooted in our being that we may not even be aware of their presence.

Our aim, I believe, should be to rely on the Master Gardner to quickly and meticulously root out these weeds from our hearts, and at the same time, we need to fertilize and cultivate our seeds of faith, love, humility, and service.

See Alma 33: 23

I was struck recently by the contrast between this ugly, prickly weed:

and this comparitively beautiful flower that it produces:

It makes me wonder how often I see only the negative in my life- the things that don’t turn out as well as I would like them to; the inevitable challenges that arise in life; the imperfections in myself and especially in others.  Seeing this flower helps me remember that I have a choice- to try to learn from mistakes, to appreciate challenges and to look for the good in everyone.

This weed reminds me that life isn’t easy- it wasn’t meant to be- but if I look closely enough, there is beauty among the thorns.

My 12-year old daughter is away from home for the first time.  She is at “girls camp” with other young women from our stake.

As the time approached for her to leave, I could tell that she was nervous, and we tried to reassure her.  I thought that she would be busy and would have fun and wouldn’t be as homesick as my son was 2 years ago when he went to scout camp for the first time.

I was wrong.  One of the leaders called last night and had me talk to her.  She bawled.  I think part of the emotion is driven by sleep deprivation as I imagine that no one gets enough rest in a crowded tent with a few dozen young women.  But it broke my heart to hear her cry and to not be able to console her.

I have learned some things from this experience.  I have learned how much I love my daughter and that I don’t want to be apart from her.  But I have also learned that part of the growing process for both parent and child requires the two to be apart at times.  Both the parent and child need to learn that the child can succeed in the absence of the parent.

In fact, I believe the success of a parent is largely determined by how well the child is prepared for adulthood (when he/she reaches that age)- to be an independent, contributing part of society.  

While other girls at the camp may have also been homesick, I wonder how I unwittingly may have contributed to my daughter’s troubles.  I wonder if in my insecurity and need to feel loved that I allow and perhaps even encourage her dependency on me when I should be encouraging her to become more and more independent.  Logically, I know that the parent/child bond is inseparable by time and distance, but perhaps I still fear losing that bond.

Well, she’ll be back tomorrow, and I am anxious to see her and to hear all about her camp, and I’ll have to begin making a greater effort to encourage her independence.

(from the drawer of drafts, originally started in January…)

I’m somewhat of a dreamer.  I tend to think in terms of ideals.  In my mind, I have this image of how I want my life to be- my job, house, and family, as well as the type of person that I want to be.

I think the gospel and teachings of Church leaders encourage us to be somewhat idealistic.  The scriptures teach ideals (like being perfect), that we aren’t likely to achieve in this life, and Church leaders teach these same high standards that the faithful all strive to obtain.  I cannot disagree with the practice of striving for the ideal when it is promoted by Heavenly Father.

In practicality, I believe there are positive as well as potential negative aspects of striving for the ideal.  I think it is healthy to have a high standard that keeps me wanting to learn, to achieve, and to improve.  I think it also keeps me from becoming too complacent or content with what I might have learned or achieved.  It is good, I believe, to have lofty goals to keep you “anxiously engaged.”

But in other ways, I think that these lofty goals can be detrimental if we don’t approach them with the right perspective.  Striving for the ideal can result in ingratitude if it causes you to dismiss the blessings you have with an ever increasing need for more/bigger/better.  Also, the pursuit of ideals can lead to comparing ourselves with others, and such comparisons are generally not productive.

If our priorities are unbalanced, striving for the ideal will likely lead to a focus on things of lesser importance (a nicer home, more things, etc.) at the expense things that really matter most (relationships with family and friends, faith, etc.).  This is similar to Covey’s concept of climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top only to find that the ladder was leaning on the wrong wall the whole time.

Also, striving for some ideals will inevitably require the involvement of others, and these are especially prone to frustration.  For example, if I am striving for a certain type of family environment, I will likely be frustrated if other family members do not share this same ideal.

For me, the biggest challenge is feeling that I’m not progressing toward the ideals that I want to achieve.  I realize that progress is incremental and sometimes nearly imperceptable.  Although I may not often detect progress toward many of my ideals, I hope that I am progressing more than just chronologically.

The trick, I think, is finding the right balance between learning from the past and preparing for the future while living in and enjoying the present.  All are important, and an excessive focus on any one can diminish the value of the others.

What do you think?  Is it better to have high ideals that we may never reach but that keep us learning and striving even with some frustration, or to have lower expectations that may be easily achieved even though much of our potential may be untapped?

I enjoyed this talk from 30 years ago that touches on this topic.  And as an added bonus, my original title of this post was “Dreams,” so enjoy this song by Supertramp: